Thankfully, things start to change when men switch to a mirror instead of a magnifying glass and start facing their inner demons, which need attention. There are now hundreds of men whose reading has been able to break through the attraction spike and show up in all ways for their committed, loyal, devoted, loving partners. It is hard work, but it’s worth it because, in the end, they can embrace it.
This seems to be one of the last taboos in the world of relationships, along with admitting that you’re not delighted about your relationship and telling a friend that you don’t desire sex with your partner. The beauty of physical appearance is an essential factor when choosing a partner in a culture that idolizes it. When clients and course members bring up the topic with me, it’s with trepidation and guilt, as it’s considered blasphemous to admit your feelings don’t always match. And walking away is certainly a valid reason to leave.
It’s therefore not unusual for clients and course members to bring up this subject with trepidation and guilt as if they are committing a cardinal sin. My first task is to reassure them that it is common and okay. My second line of conversation is to work to expose our culture’s flimsy definition of attraction. It isn’t discussed in Cosmo and Vogue, but it is an idea that has embedded itself in the psychology of thousands of women and men.
Our culture is obsessed with image, defining beauty solely by what is visible to the camera’s eye. This is how I begin to dismantle the flimsy definition of attraction that our culture propagates. Our culture is obsessed with images, so we define beauty only based on what is visible to the camera’s eye. It’s only skin-deep, or maybe even less when you consider how much makeup, airbrushing, and photoshopping goes into a magazine photo.
Although we are consciously aware that we will not be satisfied with someone looking like a magazine photo, we define attraction based on the superficial qualities we’ve absorbed. We can’t do otherwise because we are culturally conditioned, and we can only relearn them with awareness. Over the years, I’ve helped countless men who struggled with their attraction issues.
When men get relationship anxiety, they almost always focus on some aspect of their partners’ physical appearance (often in addition to other concerns); skin, nose, butt, breasts. Women tend to focus on a variety of aspects, such as intelligence and social skills. What about in five or two years if I don’t find him attractive? Isn’t that crucial? If I don’t see him attractive now, what will it be like in five to ten years? How can I move forward without finding him attractive?”
Taking these steps takes a lot of hard work, but it is worth it in the long run, for we can ultimately experience what we all long for: love, to be loved by another human being.